The Role I Play

"When you find yourself at the end of the rope, tie a knot and hold on"-unknown. I guess you could say the role I have in my family now would to be that knot. To understand why, you must know some background information. My family consisted of me, my younger brother Garrett, my mom Patti, and my 93 year old grandma Almeta. We all lived in the same house together. I have a Dad also, but don't get to see him as much. My grandma just had a surgery to get a huge tumor removed from her stomach on May 13th, 2008. May 13th is also my brothers birthday. The doctors didn't expect full recovery. They said "this surgery will only extend her life about 6 months". She's in a nursing home as you read this, still immobile, but alive. The surgery is when I started to take on my role as the knot of my family. I remember the exact night the pain started to transform me into it. About 3 days after the surgery, I had just gotten off work around 11. It was a school night, and I went to see my grandma in the hostipital. Walking in her room and seeing her laying in that bed turned my stomach upside down. The first thing I noticed was the gigantic blue and black bruise on the inside of her wrist. I remember the anger building up in me at the thought of it, because I didn't know how it arose at the time. Later I would find out it was  from the needle the nurses tried to stick in her arm numerous times because they couldn't find the vain for the IV. I went to sit next to her. She's sleeping, "thank god" I think to myself. You don't feel pain when you sleep. I find out I was wrong about that later, because I found out some nightmares are too real. That's another story however. Five minutes later the nurse comes in to check on her and wakes her up. She's surprised to see me sitting up next to her, but was suffering from extreme dementia at the time, so our conversation didn't go so smoothly. Then, out of nowhere, she lets out a moan of pain. I knew the effects of the surgery were kicking in now that she was awake. Moan, after moan, after terrible moan. I go to the hallway hoping to see somebody that could help. It was empty. So I go back and hold her hand. Tears start to stream down my face as I sit there listening to her  cries of pain. At that moment I prayed to God for him to stop this pain, and give her the strength to get through it. Told him at that moment that I'd give anything if he just gave her enough time to see Garrett graduate high school. That's when the role of a helping hand and a backbone landed on me. The good thing about this time was that I wasn't the only one. Me, my mom, and my brother helped each other. Soon I wouldn't have that privilege.

Fast forward to the end of the summer. I'm not going to go into details about my brother's murder, or the effects it has on me, only the role it made me play. He was 16 and had been a junior for only 3 days of high school, in case you were wondering. My mom has one sister that lives in another state, our grandma, and me. Now that's the only family she has. Me being her only son, and the only person living with her. I became her backbone, and she became mine. Me and my mother went three months without telling my grandma, for fear of what it would do to her mentally. She was immobile in a nursing home, and Garrett was like her best friend, me being the some what rebel of the family before. She was already on her possible death bed, and we were worried that if she found out this would be motivation to give up. Countless times, I had to be there when she asked where Garrett was, and hold my moms hand when she lied and looked away. "He's at school mom", or, "He's working". The day we finally told her, I had to be there again to support my mom. I couldn't take it and left the room. We got through it though.

The point I'm trying to make by now is the role I play with all the importance in the world is support for my mom. Not to get too personal, especially on a blog site, but she probably wouldn't even be here today if it wasn't for me. Just like a week ago I remember our conversation."Mom, I got an A on my exam". "That's so great Georden". I hear the tears coming in her eyes through the phone. "I think that the only reason I even wake up day to day is the hope of you going to college and succeeding". What she doesn't know is the only reason I'm probably succeeding in college is for her. Well, my grandma, and the rest of my distant family I don't have much of a relationship with too. My brother would be the biggest influence. I have to make him proud. My mom however, is the most important, because my brothers at peace. My mom still needs me everyday. 

The role I play in my family is the backbone my mother needs. The knot at the end of the rope to hold on to. The hope that there's something left to look forward to, in this cruel, terrible world.